Off the Vine

Disclaimer: All Joss, all the time.

Off the Vine

River tilted the object in her fingers, studying it closely. “Ovoid, length 3.65 centimeters, radius 2.1 centimeters, color in the approximate range of 570 nanometers of the visible spectrum.” Carefully, she put it down on the table and picked up another specimen. “Spheroid, radius 1.9 centimeters. Similar to the first in color.” She picked up a third, but instead of examining it, she just tossed it in her mouth. “Sweet and tart all at once, spreading over the tongue.”

From the other end of the table, Jayne watched her – mostly because there were still times he felt he had to, just to make sure she didn’t try to kill him. When she picked up another from the bowl and set it beside the other two, his exasperation got the better of him. “If you ain’t gonna eat the grapes, girl, at least stop touchin’ ‘em all,” he growled. “Din’t your mama teach you any manners?”

The snort from behind him made him jump in his seat, and he was reminded that Mal could be damn stealthy if he wanted. “Jayne, I my very own self have seen you drop a piece of—”

“Gorram it, Mal!” Jayne protested, wishing Mal would shut up. The girl was looking much too interested, ignoring the plump grape in her hand to study them instead.

“… pick it up and put it right in your mouth.” Mal took a sip from his mug, looking pleased with himself. “Don’t think you’re in a position to be lecturin’ about manners, there.”

Jayne glared down at his hands; turning a look like that on the captain could be dangerous. “It was steak. An’ I dropped it my own self, didn’t I?” he mumbled. He continued to pluck grapes from the vine he held, callused fingers moving quickly, almost as automatically as if her were stripping a gun. “Different from fondlin’ every gorram piece of fruit and only eatin’ one.” He tipped the grapes into a bowl not quite big enough to hold them all, and cupped one hand around them to keep them from spilling out again.

“Think you’ve got enough?” Mal asked, full of that sarcastic niceness that got under a body’s skin so.

“I bought ‘em,” Jayne replied shortly, concentrating more on making sure the grapes didn’t escape his bowl than on not snarling at Mal. “Figure that means I can have as many as I want.” He shot a glower at the girl at the other end of the table, who now was organizing the dozen grapes in front of her into some obscure pattern. “Long as I get ‘em before she does.”

“No need to be tetchy.” And now he sounded satisfied, as if the whole point had been to irritate Jayne, as it likely was.

The loud ‘pop’ from the other end of the table drew his attention. River’s fingers hovered near her face, and her mouth was still in the shape of an ‘O’, as if something had surprised her. Before either he or Mal could blink, she picked up one of the grapes arrayed in front of her and sucked it in with another ‘pop’.

Mal frowned at her in concern. “You know, mei mei,” he said, his tone mild, as if he were mindful of setting her off. “I’m not so sure you should be doin’ that. Could be hazardous.”

“Dangerous. Perilous.” Her gaze, dark and sparkling, lit on Jayne. “Treacherous.”

Jayne cursed under his breath, and watched Mal’s lips twitch.

“As may be,” Mal said, “but I was talkin’ about the grapes.”

Grinning, she picked up another one. Instead of sucking this one in, however, she rolled it against her pursed lips, back and forth, back and forth.

Jayne, about to get up from the table and head somewhere with less crazy folk, paused halfway up, bowl in hand.

Her tongue curled around it, flickering, tasting, and then she bit into it, white teeth against the firm flesh. She sucked the juice out of the part still in her fingers, then pulled it into her mouth and swallowed.

Quickly sitting back down, Jayne swallowed, too.

Mal coughed. “Yes, well. Not quite what I had in mind, but less chance of choking’s all to the good.” He turned toward the kitchen area, clearly intending to refill his cup.

Trying to steady his hands so his fruit wouldn’t go all over the floor, Jayne made as if to get up again.

“Oh!” River’s exclamation startled them both. Grapes rolled on the floor of the mess, and Mal’s cup clattered noisily against the cooking surface. From the corner of his eye, Jayne saw that Mal was staring at her, his expression swiftly turning from skittish to angry.

She was standing beside her chair, looking down at her hands, spread over her stomach. “There’s something inside me,” she said, her voice hushed. “A secret glowing seed, searching for fertile ground, ready to grow.” She smiled, and Jayne felt a shiver run down his back; her gaze was dreamy, more unfocused than usual. Even as he watched, her hands started to rub tiny, tiny circles where they lay, making her dress shift and rustle, first clinging to her breasts, then inching up her leg and down again.

Then her eyes cleared, and she bared her teeth at Jayne in a grin as wide as it was wicked. “Will you still love me when I’m as round as a moon?”

Mal stepped back into the mess, scowling darkly. “River…”

Before he could get any further, Jayne scoffed. “You’d think a doctor would make sure his sister was better educated on the workin’s of a body,” he muttered. Louder, he went on, “Listen, moonbrain, swallowin’ a seed from a grape ain’t gonna make you swell up. Only thing that’d make you swell up like that’d be—”

Mal cuffed him on the back of his head, hard enough to make him forget his own resolution not to do anything to set him off. “What the fuck, Mal…”

Lips pursed like he’d been sucking on lemons, Mal raised his eyebrows and tilted his head ever so slightly in River’s direction.

He had to think about it for a second or so, but then he got it, and coughed, his face turning red. “… er… things that you’re still too young to be knowin’ about,” he finished quickly, staring down at his bowl of fruit.

Before either Mal or River could say or do anything else to abuse him, he lurched to his feet, cradling his grapes carefully so as not to lose any more. “Someone’d better pick up that mess,” he grumbled and made good his escape.

As he retreated to his quarters, he heard Mal’s soft chuckle. “Good thing the grapes ain’t quite big enough for grenades.” There was a brief pause, and Jayne kicked down the ladder. Before he shut the hatch once more, Mal’s voice drifted through the corridor, surprised. “Hey, these grapes don’t have seeds in ‘em…”

And once he was locked safe in his bunk, Jayne had to wonder if the Shepherd had been right about that Special Hell.