Endlessly Waiting

Disclaimer: WEP owns Voltron.

Endlessly Waiting

Didn’t say anything about waiting, did I?

Shannon’s words echoed through his mind, playing over and over, until the only thing Jeff wanted was just a few moments of blessed silence.

He lay on his bunk in the dark, listening to the engines thrumming steadily through the ship. The ceiling was a distant shadow, but he knew every crack and cranny from a hundred other staring sessions, from sleepless nights and day after endless day of waiting.

Always comes back to waiting, doesn’t it? He could just imagine those words in Shannon’s soft brogue…

Imagine that Irish lilt whispering in someone else’s ear, those dancing devil-may-care eyes directed at someone one not him.

He rolled over and buried his face against the flat lump that formerly had been his pillow. Stop it, he told himself firmly. Just… stop, all right? You’re the one who said you couldn’t ask him to wait, so you’ve got no one to blame for this but yourself.

And Shan. The bitter thought popped into his head, giving him pause. Shannon had pushed the matter, had pushed until he’d unwisely pushed back, and that was why Jeff found himself here, with a longing so much worse than it’d been only weeks ago.

At least then, he hadn’t known what Shan tasted like, hadn’t known how it felt to hold him, how that weird sense of not-quite-rightness just faded…

Jeff tossed and turned for a long while before sleep finally claimed him. Even then, his dreams were filled with warm hands and sudden cool indifference, and Shannon’s wicked grin.

***

It was a torment designed by the devil himself.

Shannon wanted more than anything to drown in the better part of a bottle of whiskey, with the burn and numbness that it would bring. But I can’t, he told himself sternly. Gotta be on duty in less than 8 hours…

He could hear the bottle calling him, that illegal wonderful bottle hiding under his bunk, telling him that it was the only thing that could help him cope, help him sleep…

He wedged himself more firmly into his seat, the creak of the booth’s padding shockingly loud in the empty mess hall. The stars continued to crawl by outside the tall windows, a scene that was always the same even as it changed.

Of course, it didn’t help that he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened the last time he’d had a couple swallows of whiskey. Jeff hadn’t wanted to admit anything, hadn’t wanted to accept anything. But he’d kissed him. Jeff had kissed him.

It had been more than Shannon had hoped for, especially after thinking that Jeff hadn’t wanted him at all.

So he kept replaying that kiss in his mind’s eye, Jeff’s mouth firm and demanding on his, that strong, wiry body against him….

He cursed softly and let his head fall back to the high back of the booth. Thought it would be easier, knowin’ it was real, he thought, then snorted, mocking the very idea. Didn’t think it could get any worse.

But it had; that kiss was just about all he could think about – that kiss and the knowledge that Jeff had felt that same terrible hope at knowing they’d be free after their re-enlistment was up.

Fuckin’ hell, he thought, closing his eyes with a sigh. Not sure how I’m gonna stand damn near four years of this…

The stars weren’t what burned behind his eyelids.

***

Despite all his resolutions to the contrary – the ones he made every morning upon waking – as soon as he entered the mess, Jeff’s eyes sought out Shannon.

He was seated with Ginger and Lisa, and some new crew person whom Jeff couldn’t remember from the Explorer, entertaining them with some tale or another, eyes wide and hands gesturing grandly.

And for some reason, the sight of them all laughing together cut Jeff to the quick. After only a moment, he looked away, stomach churning, and moved reluctantly toward the chow line. The smell wafting up from the supposed food that landed on his tray killed any hunger he may still have had. He managed to swallow that gag that wanted to force its way out, and turned to look for a seat. Going through the motions, he thought, a little numb, because wouldn’t it look strange if I didn’t?

Just as he turned, unappetizing breakfast in hand, Shannon caught his eye and waved at him, motioning him over to the seat on Ginger’s other side. The other three with him smiled welcomingly.

Suddenly going through the motions held even less appeal. Ignoring Shannon entirely, Jeff slid his tray into the recycle shoot and left the mess.

Frowning, Shannon slowly lowered his hand. Jeff had never cut him like that before.

His breakfast companions were subdued. “Wow,” Ginger breathed softly. “What’s up with Jeff?”

“He certainly looked like thunder,” Lisa said, her coffee cup cradled in her hands. She looked at Shannon appraisingly, and he dropped his gaze to stare down at his empty tray.

“Shan? Are you all right?”

He glanced up and gave the girls the biggest smile he was capable of at the moment. “Yeah, I’m fine. Must have done somethin’ to make him upset, but damned if I know what it was.” He shrugged and stood, gathering up his tray. “I’m thinkin’ that you’ll be needin’ to send out a search party if I’m not back in a couple hours.”

The others chuckled, and Shannon sighed as he exited the mess. Thanks, ladies, I was bein’ serious.

***

Shannon was still learning all the places in this new ship where someone could go to be lost for a while. It was a much different, much newer ship than the Explorer, but it still had a hangar, and that was, as always, his first bet to find Jeff.

In the dim glow of the overhead lights, he could make out a white uniform, and grinned in spite of himself. Ah, an’ a lucky thing it is that I’m a bettin’ man.

There was no sense trying to sneak up on him; despite being pilots first and foremost, the Academy had drilled them well in various ground combat techniques, and Shannon didn’t fancy getting thrown into a bulkhead. Instead, he said, “Well, findin’ you wasn’t as hard as all that.”

Jeff sighed heavily and turned to lean back against the porthole out which he’d been blindly staring. “Go away, Shan.”

“You won’t be gettin’ rid of me that easy,” Shannon scoffed. Mimicking Jeff’s stance, he leaned back against a support beam, wriggling his shoulders to get comfortable.

“No, I guess not. You can do that all by yourself.”

Stunned by the bitterness in Jeff’s voice, Shannon gaped at him. “What?”

Jeff’s cheeks were stained scarlet, as if he couldn’t believe he’d actually said that, but he met Shannon’s eyes. “You heard me.”

“Yeah, I did,” Shannon said, bristling. “But I’m not sure I’m believin’ my ears. What the hell are you on about?”

“Just go on back to the mess, Shannon.” Jeff looked away, down toward the other end of the hangar. “I’m sure Ginger and Lisa and… and whatever-her-name-is are all lonely without you.”

The sneering words fanned the flames of his temper, always quick to ignite, and for a moment, Shannon just burned. He opened his mouth to shoot some invective of his own back – and the hurt in Jeff’s tone finally registered. Jealous? Is he actually jealous?

The words coming out of his mouth made Jeff uncomfortable, and he wondered where they were coming from. I never asked him to wait, he reminded himself. And he as much as said that he probably wouldn’t be… His face heated again, this time in embarrassment, and he started to apologize.

But before he could say a word, Shan had grabbed him, hands firm around his upper arms, and jerked him forward, until their mouths met. He moaned, and his focus narrowed to the feel of Shannon’s mouth against his, the feel of that wicked tongue making its way into his still-open mouth. Of their own accord, his hands rose up, fingers clenching in the fabric of Shan’s uniform.

Shannon’s grip on his arms gentled, but the kiss went on and on, until he had to pull away or lose consciousness. As he had weeks ago, he leaned forward, panting, resting against Shannon. The force between them, the way everything felt not-quite-right had settled.

“This…” Shannon breathed in his ear, trying to control his own gasping for air. “This is all I think about, Jeff. Just this. Whenever I’m alone, or when it’s quiet or… or anytime, really.” He laughed softly. “Ye’re all I think about, until I have to do something or go mad from the waitin’ an’ wantin’.”

“You said you wouldn’t wait,” and as soon as the words left his mouth, Jeff wanted to curl up and die. God, could I sound any more needy?

Shannon pulled back and tilted his face up. “Aye, I said that. An’ if you don’t know by now that I’ve a habit of thinkin’ before I speak, you don’t know me very well. Truth is, waitin’ is all I’m gonna be doin’ for the next few years.” He closed his eyes, and it was his turn to rest his head against Jeff’s shoulder. “Can’t do anythin’ else, not when there’s even a chance you’ll be there at the end.”

Jeff chuckled ruefully, not quite ready to disentangle himself from Shan’s embrace. “Words spoken in haste?”

Shannon snorted. “As always.”

“I’m sorry.” The words needed to be said, and he offered them quietly, his tone sincere.

“No need.”

Finally, Jeff pulled away, though he wasn’t quite sure what to do with his hands once they were no longer on Shannon’s waist. “I’m still not asking you to wait,” he said, because no matter how he wanted to, he knew he couldn’t. Four years was a long time.

Shannon shook his head and his smile was tinged with sadness. “You don’t have to.”