Disclaimer: Just having a little fun with a song by Martina McBride and some characters that other people own.
Where Would You Be
Allura stood by the window in her spacious chamber, staring out at the stars in the night sky. She wore a heavy robe to ward off the chill. It was well after midnight, and she knew she ought to go to bed. She pulled the curtains closed, then hesitated, not wanting to face the huge canopied bed, empty . . . as it had been for so long.
Empty since the night after her wedding.
The slim band on her left ring finger reflected the light of the single candle, mocking her. She clenched her fist in the velvet of the drape, until the folds covered the ring, and it could no longer catch the light. Then she smiled bitterly at herself. Well, _that was childish, she thought. She released the drape and let her hands fall to her sides. No sense putting it off, she thought, steeling herself. He's not going to be there, no matter how you wish . . .
She straightened her shoulders and turned. The bed was neatly turned down, the pillows invitingly plumped. She held her chin high, as if her courtiers were scrutinizing her actions here as they did elsewhere. It was not until she climbed into the chill bed and extinguished the candle that she let her despair and resentment out.
Is this all there is to a dream? she wondered, as she had so many nights. Can it be that even the dreams held closest to your heart never come true?
~ Keith had long been her dream. When planet Doom had finally been defeated, she thought she could make another cherished dream a reality. She asked for and received dispensation to wed him; though not royal, he was greatly respected by all Arus, and a highly decorated Alliance officer. Armed with this, the answer to his primary objection, she asked him to marry. Her heart leapt with joy when he agreed.
She'd never considered that he might have agreed out of a feeling of helplessness, out of a sense of obligation, or maybe just a lost questioning of "What do I do now?"
Allura hadn't missed the surprise on Hunk and Pidge's faces, or the way Lance had immediately wiped away all expression to hide his hurt. She'd known a long time that Lance was in love with Keith. But Keith didn't love him; Keith loved her.
Didn't he?
Keith didn't look at his teammates, nor did he say a word; she did all the talking. He let himself be carried along in all of the wedding preparations, not caring.
He was all that was desirable in his dress uniform on their wedding day. That night, he was tenderly passionate, awakening feelings she hadn't known she could feel.
Hours later, he awoke her with his quiet sobs. "Keith, what's wrong?" she asked, concerned.
He lay with his back to her, half covered by the white satin sheet. He jerked away from the hand she laid on his shoulder as if she were burning.
"I'm sorry, Allura. I thought . . . I thought I would come to love you. I thought that I could feel about you the way you feel about me. But I don't. I don't . . ."
Quietly, trying to hide how he sliced her heart open with those words, she asked, "You . . . you _don't love me?"
He bowed his head. "I love you like a sister . . . but that's all." He turned to face her then. The sight of his face, pale in the moonlight, streaked with tears, broke her heart. "Let me go, Allura. We shouldn't have done this. It's . . . it's just not right. I don't love you like you ought to be loved. Let me go."
Stunned, she gaped at him, as her mind scrambled to find something to say, anything to keep him. "I can't. I'm not allowed to divorce you, once the marriage has been consummated." She snapped her mouth shut as his eyes closed, forehead creasing with pain.
"I'm sorry, Allura," he whispered again, before quickly rising. He left then, left what should have been their bed, left her room, left her life, emotionally, if not physically. By the time she escaped court the next day, all of his things had been removed from their- _her- room. Back to his old quarters.
She cornered him there. "Why?" she demanded.
"I can't be with someone I don't love, your Highness." He stood at the window, his back to her. "I'll stay, don't worry. But you'd probably be better off if you set me aside, and found another." He turned to look at her, eyes sad.
"Am I so horrible?" she whispered. "Why can't you love me?"
"Because I love . . ." he started to retort, then whirled away. "Someone else." His voice was rough.
She retreated hastily, eyes filled with tears. Who? Who did he love? ~
As she had for so many long nights, Allura lay in her cold loveless bed and pondered it. Who? One of his teammates? Lance or Hunk? Pidge or Sven? She didn't think it was another woman, simply because he had so little contact with any woman other than her. Repetition must have taken away the sting, for tonight she wasn't crying.
Does this mean I don't love him anymore?
Did you ever? one corner of her mind replied ruthlessly.
But I need him! I want him! I . . . I love him. I must . . .
If you truly loved him, that hard voice answered, you would have released him long ago. You are keeping him from his real love, not matter who it is. Take a good look at what you have become, my Queen, and ask yourself if Haggar could be less cruel.
She did weep then. But she still couldn't let him go. While he is here, she thought desperately, there is always hope . . .
Even if his eyes don't smile anymore.
***
November 27, 2001
© randi (K. Shepard), 2001-2002.